


Coffee and Calligraphy

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Barista Dan Howell, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Smut, Writer Phil Lester, chaptered fic, danisnotonfire - Freeform, dap, dnp, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 15:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13103382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: Dan’s a barista at the local cafe where writer!Phil decides to sit with his journal. Dan likes Phil. A lot. But things change when Dan finds something out about Phil that breaks his heart.





	1. Caramel Cappuccino with Whipped Cream

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There will eventually be a major character death. I won't tell you on that exact chapter so as to not spoil it, but you should be aware that at some point there will be major character death in this fic before you start reading (in case you didn't read the archive warning) :)

“You’re staring.” Dan jumps and sees his friend and coworker standing behind him.

“You scared me, PJ.” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t drool over the customers.”

Dan blushed. “Shut up.”

“You like that guy, don’t you?” 

“…Maybe.”

“Well, I recommend at least doing your job while trying to get a boyfriend. Go take his order.”

“You’re right.” Dan always used fantasy to cope with his crappy job as a barista. Usually it doesn’t bother him much, but PJ is really his only friend that doesn’t give him flak about it. Daydreaming of finding love at the coffee shop is his only way to get through the rough days. Now, he can only hope his fantasy is finally coming true. 

“Can I take your order?” The man looks up from his journal. He had been scribbling notes in the small white book he carried in with him. Dan is mesmerized by him. He had already been admiring the man’s jet black hair, beautiful glasses, and strong jawline. But what Dan hadn’t seen until now was his eyes. He stares into the man’s smiling eyes. They’re blue and green, and Dan can see traces of yellow in the already incredible mix that is this man’s eyes. 

The man starts to speak, and Dan breaks from his trance. “A caramel cappuccino with whipped cream, please.” He looks back at his book, picking up the pencil that had been positioned aesthetically beside the journal. 

“A name for the order, please?” Dan smiles. He doesn’t usually ask for a customer’s name “for the order”, but he really wants to know the man’s name. 

“Phil.” 

“Order for Phil?” Dan grins as he brings Phil’s cup back to his table. 

“Thank you!” Phil takes a sip and cringes as Dan turns to walk off to another table. His shift is finally over, and he wants to get some coffee (maybe also while watching Phil drink his coffee) before heading home. “Um, uh, you?” 

Dan pivots and walks back over to Phil. “It’s Dan. What do you need?” 

“I don’t think this is my order. It tastes really bland.” 

Dan nervously takes back the order, in utter disbelief at the fact that he messed up Phil’s order. Now he’ll never get the chance to make his fantasy a reality. Then he realizes his mistake. “Oh, I just gave you mine. I’m on break, so I got myself a coffee. Here’s yours,” Dan says, handing Phil the coffee he was walking off with earlier. “I didn’t drink any, I promise.” 

Phil smiles at him. “Thank you, then.” He takes a sip. “Delicious.”

Dan takes a sip of his coffee as well. “Black like my soul.” He regrets it as soon as it comes out of his mouth. Well, at least he’s being himself. 

Phil actually laughs. “That’s why it was so bland. I relate, though. Do you want to sit down?” Dan gleefully sits, thrilled to get to know the mysterious man across the table from him.

“I’m an author.” Dan’s not surprised. Phil seems the type to be a writer. He’s creative, with a deep understanding of life, yet quiet and reserved. Perhaps most importantly, Dan is easily infatuated with him. 

“I’m sure people love you- your writing.” Dan tries to play off his word flub, but Phil doesn’t even notice he messed up in the first place. 

“Actually, this is my first book.” He pats his journal. “I’m trying to get ideas. Writer’s block. Any ideas I come up with, I jot down here.”

Phil’s so interesting. Dan doesn’t understand how such a simple man can be this amazing. Phil has more creativity in one skin cell than Dan does in his entire body. The two are, however, so similar. They like the same music, and share the same existential views on the world. He doesn’t understand what he did to deserve this ray of sunshine in his gray world. 

“That’s really cool. I wish I had a more entertaining job than this. What ideas do you have right now?” 

Phil smiles at Dan, and he can see Phil’s perfect teeth. The corners of his eyes scrunch up and Dan melts. “Only one.” Phil opens his journal and scribbles something down, tearing out the paper and handing it to Dan. Phil takes out enough money to pay for both their coffees and a bit of a tip for Dan, and leaves it on the table, standing up. “Text me.” Phil winks and leaves the coffee shop. On the paper is Phil’s phone number. The rest of Dan’s bitter black coffee somehow tastes a bit sweeter now.


	2. Ideas

Butterflies dive through Dan’s stomach as he sits in his bed texting PJ. Should I text him? Is it too early? Should I wait a while first?

Seriously, you sound like a teenage girl after her first date. Just text him, man.”

PJ is right. Dan sends a plain Hey to the contact he already created for Phil. 

Within a minute, he receives a reply. Hey! Are you working tomorrow?

Dan is practically terrified. He does have work tomorrow, but he can’t tell whether or not that’s the response Phil wants. Yeah…

Cool. I’ll come in and get some coffee and we can talk some more. I really like you, Dan.

The butterflies in Dan’s stomach intensify to the point where he doesn’t know if butterflies is the right word anymore. Maybe horrific anxiety. There are countless ways that sentence could be interpreted, but Dan’s head immediately chooses the best one. Trying to shut down his thoughts, Dan shakily responds. I really like you too. Like, a lot.

Great. I’ll see you tomorrow. <3

Phil sends a cute little keyboard heart. He must share Dan’s opinion that emojis are overrated and only keyboard expressions are worth his time. Dan can’t wait to see Phil tomorrow. Hopefully he’ll be able to find out if Phil feels the same way about Dan as Dan does about him.

Dan walks through his morning anxiously awaiting Phil. He said he’d come, and Dan believed him. However, each passing moment became more agonizing for Dan. When Phil finally walked in at the end of Dan’s shift, it felt like he was letting out a breath he’d been holding in all day. Phil came, just like he promised. 

“Hey, Phil! What do you want to drink? Same as yesterday?” He nods and Dan makes up drinks for them both, rushing back to the table where Phil was already situated. “This time, I’m completely confident this is yours and this is mine.” Dan laughs, handing Phil the cappuccino, which he had drawn a little heart in. Phil smiles at the design before taking a sip. 

“How are you, Dan?” 

“I’m good. Actually, great, now that you’re here.” Phil smiles and his eyes glimmer in the dim light of the setting sun. “What about you?” 

“As good as I’ll ever be now… I still have horrible writer’s block, and I’m probably running out of time.” Phil glances at the journal and pencil placed artistically on the table.

“What do you mean, running out of time?” 

“Oh, um…” Phil stammered, making Dan a bit suspicious. “The publishers are probably going to want me to be done soon, and I’m nowhere near it.”

Dan doesn’t believe that, but he decides to let it go. At least for now. “Oh… I’m sorry. Maybe all you need is some inspiration.” 

“All I need is a love interest for the main character. I can’t decide whether to make him straight or gay. The people will probably react better to a straight couple, but I’m gay.” 

Dan’s taken aback at this comment. Could this be Phil’s way of trying to initiate a conversation about maybe getting together? Dan attempts to shake off the thought, not getting his hopes up, and answers as casually as he can manage. “So am I, and I agree with you. It’s your book. Write it the way you want.”

“You’re right, Dan.” Phil smiles at him, and the two make eye contact for a few seconds. Suddenly, Phil’s eyes go wide and he picks up his pencil, opening the journal and frantically scribbling, occasionally looking up at Dan. The younger boy stared in awe as he spent nearly five minutes writing in this little book before finally closing it and setting it down. “Sorry, you just gave me an amazing idea.”

“Really? What was it?” 

“Well, you really gave me two ideas. And before I tell you the one I wrote about, I should tell you the other one.” Phil takes a deep breath. “How about we go out to dinner? Like, a date?” 

Dan’s heart starts beating faster than any human heart ever should. “You mean, you want to be, like, boyfriends?” 

Phil blushes a deep shade of red. “Yeah, I guess…” 

Dan’s heart now nearly leaps out of his chest. “I’d love to! When do you want to go get dinner?”

“Are you working tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the next day?”

“No.”

“What if we go out tomorrow night after you get off your shift. I’ll be here around the same time I was today. We can go to dinner, and a movie, and then you can come back to my house…” Phil notices Dan’s eyes widen. “If you want to… I’m sorry… I move way too fast. It’s just that time is so valuable to me, with the… Never mind. See you tomorrow?” 

Dan’s confused by this, but the confusion is easily overcome by excitement. He and Phil are going on a date. As Phil walks out the door, Dan sighs happily and slumps down in his seat. Fantasy is finally becoming reality.


	3. A Night Out

Dan rocks back and forth on his feet in the cafe bathroom as the end of his shift creeps up on him. Phil will arrive for coffee and their date in a matter of minutes, and Dan’s freaking out. He examines his outfit, hoping it’s adequate. He can only hope that his trademark black tee, black jeans, and black Vans won’t seem too depressing. He’ll practically blend in with the night. Taking out a comb, Dan attempts, to no avail, to tame the dark chestnut curls on his head. Sighing, he puts the comb away and smiles into the mirror. “You can do this.”

Hearing the bell attached to the door chime and someone enter the coffeehouse, Dan races to the bar to see Phil standing in the doorway. “Hey, Phil!”

“Dan!” Phil is wearing black jeans and sneakers like Dan, and an olive green shirt with butterflies on it. Dan both sees the butterflies and feels them fluttering around in his stomach. “Ready to go?” Phil extends a hand to Dan, which he takes. The butterflies multiply.

Dan giggles as he walks down the street hand in hand with Phil. “You don’t like cheese?” 

“Nope.”

“Everyone likes cheese!”

“Not me.” 

“I guess that means we’re not going to a pizza place.”

“You’ll see!” 

Dan’s grateful that Phil’s taking him out to dinner, but it’s not really necessary. It’s kinda date etiquette to buy dinner for your date, but Dan can pay his own way. However, Phil insisted he would buy, along with the one condition that he gets to choose the restaurant. Dan likes to be surprised, but this is too much. They’re like little kids. But Dan’s not complaining.

They arrive in front of a Chuck E. Cheese’s and Dan starts laughing. “I thought you didn’t like cheese?”

“I don’t like plain cheese, but I like pizza and arcade games. Let’s go!” Phil pulls Dan inside, both of them chuckling, and they go sit down at a table, Phil setting down his journal. It wasn’t until then that Dan noticed that he was carrying the journal, but it seemed he didn’t go anywhere without it. Dan looks around, noticing that the arcade is full of little children, and the tables their parents. The parents keep shooting glances at Phil and him, as if to say they don’t belong there. But Dan doesn’t mind. As long as he’s with Phil, he’ll feel like he belongs anywhere. 

“You’re going down, Danny boi!” 

“Oh, Philly… You couldn’t be more wrong.” Dan chuckles, inserting a token into the skeeball machine as Phil does the same. The balls come whirring down into the deposits in front of them, and each boy picks one up. It quickly turns into an all out war, each of them frantically rolling the balls up their alleys and putting all they have into beating the other. They each throw nine balls, then look at their scores. 

“Haha! Suck it, Howell!” 

Dan’s face turns red with soft anger as he realizes Phil beat him. However, he’s not going to pass up an opportunity to mess with Phil. “Gladly.” 

“Touche.” 

Dan’s satisfied smirk turns to a challenging one. “Bet I’ll kick your ass at the basketball game.” 

“You’re on.”

After Dan obliterates Phil at basketball, their pizza arrives. “I’m starving!” Phil exclaims, picking up a slice and raising it to his mouth.

Dan notices the steam rising from the melted cheese. “Phil, the pizza is really-”

“HOT!!!” Phil drowns his mouth in the Ribena he had in the cup beside his plate and glares at the giggling Dan. 

“I tried to warn you!” Rolling his eyes, Phil takes another sip of Ribena and blows on his pizza slice. 

“You can do it, Phil!” Phil has his hands placed on the huge red button that stops the even bigger wheel above them. 

“Pull the lever!” Dan pulls the lever, and the lights around the wheel begin to light up, spinning in circles. Phil focuses on the huge “250 tickets” at the top of the wheel, and presses the button when he sees it illuminated. The wheel stops at the “3 tickets” right beside the 250. 

“Aw!” The two cry out in unison. 

“Here, let me help.” Dan pulls the lever then puts his hands on the red button as well. Phil’s hand moves on top of Dan’s, and the younger boy blushes up at him. Phil’s blushing as well, but not as noticeably as Dan. 

“Ready?” 

Dan puts on a determined face and stares up at the “250 tickets” block they’re aiming for, attempting to ignore Phil’s delicate hand residing on top of his on the button and focus on the challenge at hand. “Ready.” 

“One,”

“Two,”

“Three!” The two cry out the number and press the button together, and they’re immediately surrounded by the whirs and whizzes of the machine spitting out tickets. 

“Woohoo!” Dan pulls Phil in for a hug, the two embracing for a few seconds before realizing what they’re doing. Dan backs out of the hug he initiated, blushing intensely and staring at the ground awkwardly. His head is pulled back upwards when Phil leans in and presses his lips to Dan’s. The younger boy is, at first, surprised, but then he leans into the kiss and returns it. Sparks go off in his body as he wraps his hands around Phil’s neck. Dan’s long-lived fantasy was materializing in front of him into a beautiful reality.

The two don’t separate until an angry parent yells, “PDA!” and they look up to find many three-foot tall children staring up at them in awe. They chuckle, tearing their tickets from the machine and heading for the ticket cruncher. 

“What do you want?” 

The two contemplate what to get at the ticket counter. Their jackpot and all the loose tickets they picked up playing other games add up to 375 tickets. Phil notices Dan eyeing a little teddy bear. “What do you want, Dan?”

“You know, I used to be called bear as a kid…” Dan grins at Phil.

Phil returns a genuine smile and turns to the lady at the counter. “One teddy bear for my bear.” Phil laces his hand in Dan’s, and his face turns redder than the heart on the stomach of the bear the lady hands him.

“You’re such a dork.” Dan rolls his eyes at his boyfriend.

The lady hands Phil the bag of cotton candy he asked for while Dan was tuned out. “Maybe, but I’m a dork with cotton candy.” 

After Phil makes a pit stop to wash off his sticky, pink hands, the two head to the movie theater. “What do you want to see?” Phil turns to Dan, who is unsure of what to answer. 

Looking up at the list of movie choices, Dan found only one that seemed relatively interesting. “They’re showing The Fault in Our Stars today. Everyone really loved that movie when it came out, but I never saw it. We could see that?” Phil’s facial expression immediately changes as he goes red and stares at the ground. “Oh, have you already seen it?” 

“Oh, no, it’s just… Never mind, let’s just get the tickets.” Dan’s concerned, but he decides to put this concern aside and just attempt to enjoy the night with Phil. Maybe he’ll address it with him later. But tonight is about fun. It is their first date, after all. 

Dan smiles during the scene when Augustus and Hazel are out to dinner. When he confesses his love to her, Dan reaches for popcorn at the same time as Phil, and they link hands. “I love you, Dan,” Phil whispers.

“I love you too,” Dan whispers back as Phil plants a kiss on his cheek. Dan goes red and smiles at the two in love on the screen in front of him, suddenly relating. 

The boy has cancer. Dan doesn’t like that turn of events. He somehow managed to keep himself free of spoilers for two years, but now that he’s watching the movie, he wishes he had some warning, as this is getting really sad. He watches as Augustus’s health deteriorates, and notices that Phil’s emotional barrier is cracking as well. As Augustus dies, so does Phil’s spirit. Dan’s never seen someone get so upset over a simple fictional movie… 

Great. Now Dan’s crying too. Phil’s been crying for ten minutes, but when Augustus dies, Dan collapses as well. He regrets picking the movie, but he regrets not bringing tissues much more. By the end of the movie, the two are crying on each other’s shoulders. They’re both emotional wrecks. 

“Now I see why you didn’t want to see that,” Dan says as they walk out of the theater, squinting in the light and attempting to dry the tears from their eyes. 

Phil chuckles awkwardly. “…Yeah…” 

“Are you alright, Phil?” Dan’s concern overwhelms him and he decides to finally ask Phil why he’s been acting so strange. 

“I’m as good as I always am. Don’t worry about me.” Phil smiles at Dan, taking his hand. 

Dan knows this isn’t an adequate answer, but he also knows Phil doesn’t want to discuss it right now. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here. You know that?”

Phil smiles. “I know, Dan. I hope you always will be.” 

After a long walk, they finally reach Dan’s apartment. “So, um… Do you want to come over to my place tomorrow?” Dan opens his mouth to reply, but Phil interjects. “I’m sure you don’t… I know, I move way too fast. Time’s weird.” 

“Phil, calm down! I’d love to come over tomorrow.”

Dan watches as Phil’s face lights up. “Really! Great! I’ll pick you up at 5.”

The younger boy smiles at the gleeful, innocent Phil. “See you tomorrow.” 

“See you tomorrow.” Phil leans in and kisses Dan softly on the lips. It’s a short kiss, but Dan happily kisses back before turning on his heels to walk into his apartment. 

Flopping onto his bed, Dan lets out a deep sigh. What a night out.


	4. A Night In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: Smut, but you can skip it if you want and not miss any plot. This is the only smut in this fic.

Dan’s having high school flashbacks. He’s reminded of getting exam scores back. He was always ecstatic to finally get them, but as the time crept closer, he felt like he was going to be sick. That’s how he now feels preparing to go to Phil’s apartment. Anything could happen. What if he makes a dumb mistake? He’s extremely excited to go see Phil and his apartment, but so many things could go wrong. He could pass this test… But he could also fail miserably. 

Dan’s internal conflict is cut by a knock on his door. Hurrying down his stairs and to the door, he tears it open to see a smiling Phil. “Hey, Phil!” Dan can feel his heart racing as he smiles back. 

The older boy is wearing a simple, blue California sweatshirt and black sweatpants, and holding the journal he’s inseparable from. Dan’s honored that Phil’s comfortable enough with him to wear such casual clothes, but blushes at the fact that he’s wearing a button up shirt and black jeans. Dan’s way overdressed. That’s one mistake he’s already made, and he starts feeling sick again from nerves. Shaking it off, he tunes in to Phil’s voice. “Ready to go?” Phil’s grinning and holding out a hand for Dan to take. Placing his hand in Phil’s, Dan walks through his doorway and out into the warm, summer air. 

Arriving at Phil’s apartment, Dan takes note of the fact that it’s but a few blocks from his own and very similar to his. As they enter, however, Dan finds his assumption to be incorrect. The inside of Phil’s apartment is incredibly different from his own. In fact, they’re nearly complete opposites. Dan’s is sparsely and cheaply decorated, while Phil’s is full of expensive furniture and art. Dan looks around the few rooms he can see in awe. “Wow, Phil. Your apartment is really nice!” 

“Thanks! I’m probably going to have to sell a lot of it soon, though…” 

“Why?”

“I’ve got… A lot on my plate.” Dan lets it go, still not sure of the source of Phil’s suspicious behavior. “Dinner?” 

“Five-year-olds are better at eating spaghetti than you are.” 

“Says the one eating spaghetti with a spoon.”

“It’s efficient!” The two giggle as Dan attempts to defend his spaghetti-eating habits. Phil slurps a spaghetti noodle and further litters his chin with tomato sauce, causing Dan to nearly choke on his garlic bread laughing. “You’re such a spork, Phil.” 

“A spork? Sounds like the utensil you should be eating that spaghetti with.” 

Dan chuckles as he scoops the last of the spaghetti onto his spoon. “Shut up.”

Phil tosses his journal, which was by his side at the dinner table, on a desk beside his couch and plops down in his obvious sofa crease. “What kind of TV shows do you like?” 

Dan ponders this and decides to be honest. “Well, I like anime?” 

Phil smiles. “Yuri!!! On Ice?” 

“Always!” Dan hops onto the couch beside Phil and cuddles up to him. The two both blush as Phil puts on Yuri!!! On Ice. Dan recognizes the episode. “I’m a bit farther ahead but I guess I’ll just have to go back and get on your level.” He winks.

“Sorry I’m not as good as you, Daniel,” Phil responds sarcastically.

“It’s alright. I love you anyway.” Dan rests his head on Phil’s shoulder as the show’s opening theme plays. The two begin to sing. They both know every word.

Each of them sang the opening theme five times before they started feeling tired. “Phiwww…” Dan, now lying in Phil’s lap, looks up at his boyfriend and grins.

“Yeah, Dan?”

“I really enjoyed tonight.” 

“So did I.” Phil leans down and plants a soft, sleepy kiss on Dan’s lips. Dan returns the kiss, not wanting to lose the connection. The Dan who was tired but a minute ago is now gone, Phil’s kiss igniting a hidden burst of energy in his body. Phil pulls Dan up out of his lap and into a warm, welcoming embrace as the two continue to kiss. Phil’s lips travel downward to Dan’s neck, a soft moan escaping from the mouth of the younger boy. 

“Phil…” Dan can feel his jeans getting tighter, and Phil’s bulge is pressing against his stomach. 

Looking at Dan and then downward he responds to the question Dan didn’t even need to ask. “Are you sure you want to?”

Dan nods and Phil jumps into his silly, romantic mode. As erotically as he can manage, Phil takes off his shirt and twirls it around in the air as Dan giggles. “You’re so cute, you know that?” 

In response, Phil wraps one hand around Dan’s neck, the other going to unzip his jeans. “Not as cute as you.” Dan blushes as his jeans fall at his ankles, quickly followed by his boxers. The older boy skillfully takes Dan’s length in his mouth as he kicks off his own sweatpants and boxers. A moan slips from Dan’s mouth as his head lolls back. Dan can feel all the spare blood in his body rushing to his throbbing boner. As precum begins to accumulate on his tip, Phil leans back and Dan rolls over. 

The prepared Phil opens up a drawer beside the couch, pulling out a condom and a bottle of lube. Dan watches in awe as Phil looks him in the eye while rolling the condom onto his erection. Blood pumping, Dan rolls over and gets on all fours on the rayon couch. 

Phil slathers his fingers and boner in lube, inserting a finger into the waiting Dan, who gasps at the sudden entrance. Exploring Dan, Phil inserts another two fingers and spreads them, causing Dan to moan and flinch. He then takes his fingers out, Dan whining at the loss. 

His loss is short, however, as he soon feels Phil’s tip pass through his entrance. Dan bucks upwards, but then returns to his original position as Phil begins to thrust. Rhythmic moans ring from Dan’s mouth as surges of pleasure shoot through his veins. As Phil hits his prostate, Dan groans as his boner throbs. “Phil…” Dan manages to eek out Phil’s name as he feels his orgasm approaching. As Phil comes in the condom, Dan’s orgasm rocks his body as he explodes on the couch, collapsing on Phil. 

Their breathing is heavy, yet tired, and Dan cuddles up to Phil, closing his eyes and calming himself to sleep with a simple thought. He didn’t just pass the test, he aced it. What a night in.


	5. Until the Very End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: The Sadness™ begins

Dan jumps as he awakens in Phil’s arms on his couch. Remembering the events of the night before, he quickly throws on his clothes and picks up his phone, which had fallen on the floor in the rush of undressing the previous night. He gasps, seeing the time and scribbles a note for Phil, setting it on the table and planting a kiss on Phil’s forehead before gathering himself and dashing out the door. Dan can’t be late for work.

He’s distracted through his shift, and he rarely gets a tip. In fact, multiple customers complain about his detachment and give him odd looks as he limps around the cafe. Dan’s just doing his best. He can’t help the fact that his ass hurts.

At the end of Dan’s shift, he hears the door open and limps over to the table where he finds Phil sitting, journal in hand. “Hey! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Uh, I come here like every day.” Phil looks puzzled.

“Oh, yeah… Right.” Dan blushes.

“This is gonna be awkward now, isn’t it? Can’t we just forget about last night and move on?”

Dan’s taken aback. He’s not feeling awkward about the previous night. He’s just awkward in general. “Forget? Why would I want to forget? Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I never want to forget that.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I love you, Dan. So much.”

“I love you too, Phil.”

Phil jumps to attention, suddenly excited. “I’ve gotten out of my writing slump!”

“Really? What did you think of?”

“I did like you said and wrote the character gay. And I finally came up with his love interest. I’m really excited, Dan. I can’t wait for you to read it when I’m finished.”

“I can’t wait to read it either.” Dan smiles at his gleeful boyfriend, ecstatic that he’s out of his slump and feeling good. He hops up and brings them each a cup of coffee, laughing as Phil creates a whipped cream mustache on his upper lip. “You’re such a dork.” Dan chuckles, snapping a picture.

Dan puts his phone down and looks up to see Phil blushing. “I hate you.”

Dan smirks. “I love you too.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Dan wonders what he means for a minute before reminding himself that Phil comes to the cafe every day. As much as he forgets, he loves seeing Phil every day.

Dan cleans up the table before noticing Phil’s journal sitting on the table. “Oh man. He’s really going to be upset when he realizes he’s left this.” He picks up the book, clumsily dropping it back on the table. It falls open to a page titled May 16, 2017. “This doesn’t look like an author’s notes?”

Puzzled, Dan sits down and begins to read. Today I woke up on the couch with a note from Dan reminding me of last night. I feel horrible. How could I take advantage of him like this? I feel like I’m leading him on. Not telling him about my cancer… It’s not fair to him. I feel like he wants a future with me… But I don’t have a future to give him. I don’t know how to tell him… But I don’t know how to keep it from him either.

His heart beating, Dan flips through the other pages. Distinctly separated is a part for Phil’s notes, and a part for his diary. The morning’s entry is from the diary.

Dan goes numb, dropping his head on the table and sobbing. He loves Phil. He really does. Phil was right. Dan is hoping for a future with Phil. A house, a dog… He wants to build a life with Phil. His sickness makes Dan himself feel sick.

However, Dan doesn’t blame him for not telling him about his cancer. Something like that takes a lot of courage, which Dan knows he wouldn’t have. Dan wouldn’t have left him if Phil told him, but he understands why Phil would worry that he would. Anyone would worry.

This doesn’t ease Dan’s pain. His overactive imagination immediately creates a situation with all the worst. Phil’s death, Phils funeral, a whole world without Phil. He lived fine without him earlier, but now he doesn’t know how.

Moving without thought or feeling, Dan closes the journal and picks it up. He doesn’t bother to put on his coat, as he’s too numb to feel the brisk winter wind. As he walks, his brain restarts and thoughts hit him periodically like brick walls.

All those times Phil acted suspicious; talked about time… They were because he’s sick. He values time because he doesn’t know how much he has left. Dan lets out another sob, his own emotions holding him back more than the wind blowing in his face.

Finally he reaches Phil’s apartment, pushing the door open. “Phil?” he manages to eek out through his heavy sobs.

“Dan? Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” He notices the book in Dan’s hand. “My journal?” Looking around the room, he notices it’s not there. “I must have left in in the cafe. Thanks. Now are you okay?”

“I… I…” Dan stutters through each syllable. “I dropped it… And… and it fell open… I read your entry from this morning.”

Phil’s eyes tear up. “Oh, Dan… I didn’t mean for you to find out this way… I’m so sorry…” Phil walks forward and draws Dan into a tight embrace. Finally giving up, they each let tears roll down their cheeks.

“But I love you, Phil. I’m not going to leave you over something like this.”

“You’re not mad I kept it from you?”

“Of course not. I would have done the same thing. I’m here for you. No matter what. Until the very end.” He chokes up at these last words, unsure of when the end will be.

Still holding Dan in his arms, Phil responds. “I’m not letting you go, Dan. Never. I love you, until the very end.”

“I love you too, Phil. So much.” Dan puts on a brave face as he breaks down inside. Phil is usually his rock; the one person who can always convince him everything will be okay. But now, he’s unsure. Will everything be alright? They will, he convinces himself. But only until the very end.


	6. Doofus

Dan gets a text from Phil halfway through his shift. I really don’t feel like going out today. Can you come over after work?

Dan shoots back a simple Of course and heads back to work, spending the afternoon awaiting the end of his shift, the light at the end of the tunnel.

When this time finally arrives, he decides to make Phil’s usual order of coffee and bring it to him.

He walks down the sidewalk, cradling the cup in the brisk winter weather. Knocking on Phil’s door, he runs his hand through his hair. Dan can tell that the wind matted his hair back to its naturally curly state. Dan hates his curly hair.

Phil flings open the door and welcomes him in. “Hey, Dan! You brought coffee! How sweet.” He takes a sip of the coffee and plops down on his couch. “Let’s just talk awhile.”

“Okay…” Dan sits beside Phil, suspicious.

“I guess it’s about time I tell you the whole story.” Phil sighs. “I was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago, and I’ve been going through chemo ever since then. I was falling into some really dark places before I met you. My writing was my only way to let out feelings and find a source of happiness. But now that I have you, I have two sources of happiness. And that’s enough to give me motivation to keep going. Thank you, Dan. I love you.”

Tears are welling up in Dan’s eyes by this point, but he holds them back and hugs Phil. “I love you too. So much.” A horrible thought pops into Dan’s head. “How far along is your cancer?”   
Phil takes a deep breath that Dan can sense is full of tension, denial, and, most of all, sadness. “They say it may be spreading. According to the doctors, it’s still stoppable, but I seem to be losing the battle right now.”

Dan’s now unable to hold back the tears in his eyes, and one rolls down his cheek as he chokes up. “Phil… I, I… I don’t want to lose you.” Dan’s head makes its way onto Phil’s shoulder.

“I’ll do everything I can to stay. Not even for myself. For you. I can’t bear to see you sad.” He looks down at his teary-eyed boyfriend. “Especially right now. Do you want me to make dinner?” Dan nods and Phil heads to his kitchen.

Five minutes and a few microwave beeps later, Phil comes back with two cups of ramen noodles. Dan smiles lovingly at him. “The best part about eating dinner with someone you really love is that it doesn’t matter what you’re eating, just who you’re eating it with.”

“And what’s the use in wasting time? You only get so much of it, you know.”

Dan curls back up into Phil’s shoulder. “You’re so positive about all of this. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I do it with you, Dan. Believe me, you keep me going.”

Dan smiles. “I could say the same to you. And speaking of going, it’s getting quite dark. I probably should be leaving. That is, unless you’d rather me stay the night?” He slyly smirks up at Phil, who shakes his head.

“You really think I’m letting you go this quickly? Of course you’re staying the night.”

“Is the night going to be as interesting as the last one?”

“Ten times more interesting.” He winks.

“Can we at least sleep in your bed this time?” Dan groans, remembering the crick in his neck after he slept on the couch.

“Definitely. More room.” The two sit smirking at each other until their lips finally collide and the evening’s fun begins.

Dan awakens in Phil’s bed the next morning, aching from the previous night’s activities. Stretching his arms, he clambers out of bed and down the stairs. “Phil?”

“Morning, Dan! There’s a box of cereal on the counter.”

“Crunchy nut. My favorite,” Dan says.

“Mine too. I may just have to steal a little bit…” Phil reaches over as Dan sets his bowl on the table to steal a morsel.

“It’s my fucking crunchy nut!” Dan shrieks, and Phil bursts out laughing.

“You know, there’s a prize inside as well.”

“The box didn’t say there was a prize?”

“Trust me, there’s a prize.” Dan’s ‘suspitches’ sensors immediately go off in his head, wondering what Phil has planned. He watches Phil watching him nervously as he eats the cereal. Phil has something planned. Something big.

As Dan reaches the bottom of the bowl, he finds a folded up piece of paper and a closed stopwatch. “Phil, you spork. What is this?”

Phil smiles, sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth the way Dan loves. “Read the note!”

Dan unfolded the piece of paper and clears his throat. “Dan, I know things are moving a bit fast, but we both know I don’t have all the time in the world. Time is very valuable to me. In fact, it’s the second most valuable thing there is to me. And the only thing in this world I value more than time… is you. Therefore, I’m giving my remaining time to you.” Dan glances up at Phil, confused. The ebony-haired boy nods toward the stopwatch, which Dan opens.

Inside the box lay a gold ring. “Dan, I want to spend every second of whatever time I have left with you. Will you marry me?”

As the words leave Phil’s mouth, Dan’s eyes gloss with tears that roll down his cheeks in floods of joy. “Yes, Phil, a thousand times yes.” He collapses into Phil’s arms, holding him closely and wishing he would never lose him. “It’s so like you, using cereal to propose to me. You’re such a doofus.”

“Joke’s on you. You’re marrying a doofus.”

“But he’s my doofus.” Dan slips the ring from the stopwatch onto his finger. “And I’ve got the ring to prove it.”


	7. Moving

“So many boxes.” Phil’s right. As Dan opens the back of the moving truck, a few boxes nearly fall out. It’s packed with all Dan’s things. “Are they even all going to fit in my apartment?” 

“I’m sure they will. Let’s just start moving them.” Dan picks up a box, bringing it inside and setting it in his new bedroom. Their new bedroom. He’s sharing a bedroom with Phil now. Every now and then Dan worries they’re moving too fast. They’ve only known each other for about a month, but they’re engaged, and Dan’s moving in. But then he reminds himself that time is limited and that he loves Phil, so the quick pace shouldn’t bother him. It would happen later anyway, so why not now? 

After moving a few boxes, Phil starts breathing heavily. “Are you okay?” He nods. 

“Just… A little tired.” 

“Are you sure you can handle this?” 

“Of course. I want to help you move in.” 

“Are you weak from your chemo the other day?” Phil hesitates, but then reluctantly nods. Dan frowns lovingly at him. “Go get some rest. I’ll finish up with the boxes.” Phil opens his mouth as if to speak, but then decides against it and turns to head inside and sit down. 

Without Phil, moving the remainder of the boxes takes Dan an hour and a half. When he finally finishes, he walks into the living room where Phil’s sitting on the couch. Suddenly, he recoils. “Oh, gosh. I still get freaked out when you don’t wear your wig. Sometimes I forget you’re actually bald.” 

Phil chuckles. “Remember, chemo does cause hair loss.” 

“I know, Phil. It’ll just take some time to get used to you without those handsome, black locks.” He grins and plops down on the couch beside Phil, letting out a deep, tired breath. “I counted. There were 43 boxes.” 

“You just moved 43 boxes on your own?” Dan nods, his fiance grinning at him. “I think it’s your turn to rest. I’ll start unpacking.”

Phil tries to stand up, but feels a tug on his arm. “Stay here with me.” He looks down to see the chestnut-headed boy giving him a pouty lip and eyes he can’t refuse. Dan smiles as he sits back down. “Also, I don’t trust you to put my stuff where I want it. We’ll decorate together.” 

“You little sneak,” Phil jokes. 

“I do have something I want to talk to you about, though.” Phil raises an eyebrow, and Dan lunges into the conversation he’s been wanting to have with Phil for weeks. “I’ve been thinking about what we should do with the money I made from selling my apartment.” 

“How much is it?” 

Dan takes a deep breath. “300,000 pounds.” Phil looks about ready to faint. “I think it should go to your treatment.” 

“No, Dan. It should go to our wedding.”

“Phil, I want you to get the best there is. It should go to you in some way. Treatment, publishing your book, something for you.” 

“Dan, if you want to do something for me, you’ll spend the money on our wedding. That’s what I really want.”

Dan frowns. “What if we split the money. Even the most complicated of weddings doesn’t cost that much. 150,000 for the wedding and 150,000 for you. Save it somehow. Someday, we’ll do something with it. Okay?” Phil sits contemplating the idea. As persistent as he is, Dan has a point. The wedding won’t cost that much. He starts to think about what all he can do with 150,000 pounds… “Phil?” 

“Yeah, I guess that would be what’s best.” He smiles weakly at Dan, his mind made up as to what he’d do with the money. “Anyway, let’s go unpack your stuff.”

“Is that a pillow with Haru on it?” 

“Maybe…” Dan blushes as Phil pulls out Dan’s treasured pillow. 

“I may just end up cheating on you with this extremely sexy pillow.” Phil starts passionately making out with the pillow, leaving Dan to laugh until his stomach hurt. 

“You spork,” he says as he unpacks his black and gray checkered bedsheets. 

“Are we going to have to fight to the death over who keeps their duvet?”

Dan thinks on this for a second. “Actually, I think yours go much better with this room. It’s so bright in here.” He pulls out his Wirrow painting. “I bet this’ll go well in here.” 

Phil takes one of his paintings off the wall behind the bed, placing Dan’s up there instead. “Just like home.” The two step back, wrapping their arms around each other and admiring their work. 

Dan smiles softly at his fiance. “It is home. You’re here.” 

“So, we live together now.” Dan sighs, cuddling up to Phil’s chest as they lie in their newly shared bed. 

“We do.” Phil smiles.

“I guess now we get to discuss wedding plans, don’t we?” Dan looks up at Phil, hoping he’ll continue a conversation on the topic. 

“Do you want to?” 

Dan nods, sitting up. “How soon do you want to have it?” 

He watches as Phil ponders the question. “As soon as possible. Probably in a month or two. As soon as we can set up the most extravagant wedding there ever was.” 

“You really want to go all out for this, don’t you?” Dan grins up at Phil. 

“Of course I do. Your wedding is supposed to be the best day of my life. I’m supposed to enjoy it, and who doesn’t love cake that’s too big and unnecessarily romantic venues?” 

“You know, as long as it’s us, the wedding will be the best day of my life.” 

“Me too, Dan. Me too. But they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. And we both know that may be soon. So, I might as well make this day worth rewatching over and over again. Just go along with me on this one, please?” 

Dan’s fiance is giving him the same pouty lip and puppy dog eyes he gave him earlier in the day, and Dan knows they’re both unable to resist it. “Alright. If the best wedding in the world is what you want, then the best wedding in the world is what you’ll get. Planning starts tomorrow, okay?” 

Phil smiles. “Okay. Thanks, Dan. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” They kiss each other goodnight, softly, simply to show each other that they care. Even though the kiss only lasts a millisecond, Dan still feels a spark. They’re entering a whole new phase of their lives, but as long as they keep the spark ignited, Dan knows they’ll make it through together. Cuddling up to Phil again, he drifts off to sleep. Phil kisses his forehead, admiring the boy as he lies peacefully. He takes his journal from his bedside table and begins to write. “Someday…” He smiles at his writing and at Dan. “Someday.”


	8. Plans and Presents

Dan wakes up alone in the bed, and for a moment he forgets where he is. Realizing it’s Phil’s flat, their flat, he sits up and heads downstairs to where Phil’s eating the Crunchy Nut Dan brought with him when he moved in the day before. “Phil!” He looks up from the box, from which he’s shoveling cereal into his mouth with his hand. “I’ve told you once, and I’ll tell you again. It’s my fucking Crunchy Nut!” Dan snatches the box from Phil’s hands, pouring the remaining cereal into a bowl. There’s only about half a serving left. “You little shit.” He sits down at the table and eats the cereal. 

Phil sits down across from him. “You’re not actually mad, are you?” 

“Mildly. But it’s fine. It’s not like I’m going to break up with you over my box of Crunchy Nut.”

“Good, because we need to start planning the wedding.” Weddings take months to plan, which they both know. They want the wedding to be as soon as possible, so they need to kick it into overdrive. 

“You’re right. But where do we even start?” 

Phil thinks on this a minute. “We don’t have any friends, do we?” 

“Not exactly…” Dan chuckles. “Do we really need a big wedding?” 

Phil hesitates. “I guess we don’t. We could just have it at my parents’ house! They live right on the sea, and it’s beautiful. Only a few people will be invited, and we can spend the money on dolling up the place.”

Dan smiles. “You know, I’d like that.” 

“It’s a start.” 

“I want red roses,” Dan pouts.

“Why do we even need flowers? We’re outside!” Phil rolls his eyes for what feels like the millionth time.

“Flowers are a tradition!” 

“So is wearing white.” 

It’s now Dan’s turn for an eye roll. “I don’t like white, and you know we’re far from the innocence it represents.” 

Phil lets out a laugh. “Okay, you got me there.” He sighs. “Why are we fighting? We haven’t agreed on anything since the venue! Our wedding is supposed to be a joyous time. Not the time of us screaming about colors.” 

Dan smiles, agreeing. “You know what we should do with the money?” 

Phil raises an eyebrow. “What?” 

“Hire a planner.” 

They both smile. “Agreed.” 

The date of the wedding approaches quickly. Mostly because they planned it for Valentine’s Day, which was only two months away from their first conversation. In the meantime, Christmas rolls around and they head up to Phil’s family’s house to celebrate and scope out their wedding venue. 

“Hello, hello, Dan, Phil!” Phil’s mom opens the door for them, welcoming them in. “Dan! It’s great to finally meet you! It’s been so long! Well, it really hasn’t been that long, has it? We all understand the rush.” She smiles weakly, having finished her awkwardly long greeting. 

“Hello, Mrs. Lester.” 

“Please, call me Mom.”

Dan and Phil race down the steps like children on Christmas morning, quickly followed by Phil’s brother Martyn. Phil’s parents are already wide awake and sipping coffee. “I guess you kids are ready for the festivities?” They all nod and the five head into the living room, where the Christmas tree and their presents reside. 

“Phil, this is from me to you.” Dan picks up a small box and Phil tears off the wrapping paper. Inside the box is a golden ring. “I didn’t quite think it was fair that I get a ring and you don’t.” 

“Thanks, Dan.” He pulls his fiance into a warm embrace, grabbing his own present to Dan. “Here’s mine to you.” Dan opens the box, which he finds very heavy for its small size, and finds a Crunchy Nut scented candle. 

“Oh my gosh, Phil. I didn’t even know this existed.” Dan laughs along with the family. Somehow, he feels at home.

Full of ham and Christmas cookies, Dan and Phil leave and head back home, chatting all the way there. Dan won’t stop saying he’s jealous of Phil’s family, and Phil simply tells him as many stories as he can about why he shouldn’t be. As they arrive home, Dan finally says what he’s been thinking ever since they arrived at the Lester household. “In a month and a half, I’ll be a true part of that.” 

“But Dan,” Phil says. “You already are.”


	9. Vows

As they make their way through January, the little bits of the wedding begin to fit together. “Hey, Phil. I just thought of something.” 

“Yeah?” 

“What will our last name be?” 

“Hm.” Phil hesitates. “For some reason I assumed we’d just keep my name. You know, I’m kinda the male in the relationship.” He buffs his chest up and deepens his voice when he says this, and Dan laughs. 

“Although that was pathetic, you make a good point.” He thinks on this for a moment. “Daniel Lester.” He nods. “Good suggestion.” 

The month of February creeps up on Dan and Phil. Each day they live is a day closer to when they’ll be married. The planner is handling everything perfectly, and they have a honeymoon to the Bahamas completely planned out. Everything is great. Except Dan’s part. 

All he could think was ‘you had one job!’ because he really does only have one job. And he’s doing a horrible job of completing it. All he has to do is write his vows. Yet he can’t do it. For some reason, he can’t figure out how to say it. He really doesn’t even know what he has to say. 

Dan’s spread out on the bed, lacking motivation. He’s made a snow angel out of balls of paper, each one full of discarded vows. Who knew it would be so hard? 

“What the hell am I to do? How am I to express my love for this spork when I’ve already done it in every way possible?” He writes this down, but then crumples it up. “Too cliche.” 

“You okay in here?” Phil opens the door and stares at the bed. He can barely see the duvet. “You look like a true writer.”

“Thanks.” Dan sighs. 

“I’m sure something will come to you?” 

“When?” 

Dan sits on the car ride to Phil’s parents’ house, still struggling to write vows. The wedding is in a day, and he’s staring at a completely blank paper. “Phil, what do I do?” 

The driver looks over at Dan. “What do you mean?”

“The wedding is tomorrow, and I haven’t written a word of my vows!” He sighs, hopeless. 

Phil takes a deep breath. “Dan, why are you marrying me?” Dan opens his mouth to answer, but is cut off. “Don’t tell me. Tell the paper.” Dan writes down three simple words. 

I love you. 

Well, it’s a start.

It’s mid-afternoon when they arrive, and Dan immediately locks himself up in the Lesters’ spare bedroom. He starts scribbling on the paper. It’s then that he suddenly remembers the meaning of the word vow. Dan writes down lines and lines of reasons why he’s marrying Phil, and all the things he’ll do for Phil when they’re married. And for the first time, Dan’s satisfied with his vows. 

He emerges from the room, beaming triumphantly. “Excuse my quick exit. I had to write something down.” He smiles directly at Phil, walking over and sitting down beside him on the couch. “I’ll be around now.” 

The day passes quickly. Dan and Phil spend the afternoon talking to Phil’s parents and watching as workers set up the backyard. “Do you think we should go somewhere where we can’t watch?” Dan asks. “You know, make it a surprise for tomorrow.” 

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. “Hey Mum, when will dinner be ready?” he yells into the kitchen. 

“In a few minutes!” 

“There, we can go eat dinner.”

“Good, I’m starving. And your mum is a much better cook than either of us.” They chuckle. 

“You’re not wrong.” The dinner is amazing, as expected. They head to bed full and separate. “It’s tradition,” Phil says. Dan sleeps in the guest room he wrote his vows in a few hours earlier, and Phil sleeps in his old room. Well, Phil sleeps. Dan sits awake thinking about the wedding. Is he ready? Can he really promise to spend the rest of his life with Phil? Dan’s never been much of an optimist. 

He eventually wills himself to sleep, but only for an hour. Dawn rises and so does Dan. He remains in his room with his phone, unsure of whether or not he should leave. Finally he opens the door and peers around the corner. Phil is nowhere to be found, so he makes his way into the kitchen. “Good morning, Dan.” Phil’s mum is waiting there for him. “Here’s your breakfast. Phil’s getting ready. When you’re done, you can go back to your room and get ready yourself.” Dan takes the plate of bacon and eggs in the shape of a smiley face and grins. Phil’s mum is the sweetest to him. He eats his breakfast graciously and heads to his room to get dressed. 

In the mirror, Dan admires himself in his wedding tux. He can’t believe the day has finally come. A knock comes on the door. “Yeah?” 

“It’s time!” Phil’s mum calls in, and Dan opens the door. She smiles a caring smile that only mothers have. “You look wonderful. Thank you, Dan. You’ve made my son happy, through all of this. And that’s all I ever could have asked for.” 

Dan smiles back softly. “You’re welcome. He’s all I ever could have asked for.” The two step out of the room, walking side by side to the backyard. 

“Are you ready, Dan?” He nods and she steps out into the yard, heading to her seat. Dan is left alone. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, preparing himself to open the doors and see his wedding. To see the decorated backyard. To see Phil. The music begins to play, and the door is opened. Dan’s eyes open as he takes the first step into the grass. 

Phil tears up. He can’t help but admire his soon-to-be husband as he marches down the rose-petal lined aisle. His chestnut hair is naturally wavy, and his eyes glisten in the February sunlight. Suddenly snow begins to fall on them, and Phil can’t help but to catch a flake on his tongue. Dan smiles, doing the same. The few guests giggle as Dan reaches Phil at the front of the crowd. 

Clouds block the sun as the snowfall continues. Both boys are more entertained by the falling snow creating a beautiful bed of white on the ground than their own wedding. When it comes time for them to say their vows, each of them are jolted back to attention and pull a few index cards out of their suit pockets. 

Phil speaks first. “Dan, you’ve brought me back to life. Before I met you, I was a young writer fighting both cancer and his own brain. I was alone, simply waiting for the end to come. But you came along and made my life worth living again. I want to be with you…” He pauses. “until the very end.” Dan’s tears begin to fall. “Daniel James Howell, I take you to be my husband. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. For as long as I’m on this earth, and who knows how long that will be, you’ll be number one in my book. I love you.” Dan attempts to pull himself together to read his own vows. 

“Phil…” he stutters, attempting to calm himself down from how hard-hitting Phil’s vows were. “From the moment I saw you in the cafe for the first time, I knew you were the one. I loved you from the first time we spoke, and I would never let you go. I take you, Philip Michael Lester, to be my husband…” Dan stopped just as Phil did. They each took a page out of each other’s books, and neither knew. “until the very end. From your better days to your worst, I’ll be here to take care of you. I’m here to fight your battles with you and hold you up if you fall. And even as we pass the very end, I will always feel just as I do today. I love you, Phil.” 

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands. You may kiss the groom.” A voice speaks from their side, but they don’t pay attention. They’re too entranced with each other at this point to even tilt their heads. All they catch of the phrase is “kiss”, and that’s all they need. The kiss is soft and short, but they both know the longer ones will come later. The thought hits them each at the same time, as they turn and smile to the small crowd of close friends and family. Dan and Phil are finally married.


	10. A Bahamian Tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Major Character Injury

Clouds tinted shades of pink and purple litter the orange sky as the sun sets behind a hill. Dan and Phil drive towards the setting sun, laughing and smiling like lovestruck teenagers. Their luggage is thrown in the back of the car, and they wear shorts and bright tee shirts on the cold, British Valentine’s Day evening. 

Every moment they sit restlessly in the car brings them a moment closer to their honeymoon. A few miles away sits the airport, at which they’ll catch a flight to Nassau, the capital city of the Bahamas. There, they’ll spend three nights in the honeymoon suite at a prestigious hotel, taking beach walks as the sun rises and dancing in the moonlight. It’s the honeymoon of their dreams. 

They arrive on time, breezing through security and boarding the flight with no problems. It’s a first for Dan, as he usually has some sort of bizarre disaster every time he tries to fly. They sit in a couple’s bed in the middle of the wide passenger plane. Dan twiddles with a piece of paper in his hands. “So, my husband.” Dan grins. “You ready for a 9 hour flight?” 

Phil checks his phone before turning it to airplane mode. “Yeah, especially since it’s already nearly 8:00. We’ll sleep through most of it.” 

“That’s a relief. I don’t know what I’d do for all this time.” 

“I’ll just be writing. You can get some sleep whenever you want.” Dan, tired from the day’s festivities, rolls over onto his side as Phil pulls out his journal. It’s in his carry on bag, as he always keeps it on his person. As the plane takes off, a thought hits Dan. 

“Hey, Phil?” 

“Mhm?” The ebony-haired man doesn’t look up from his journal. 

“Isn’t it a bit sad that we’re spending our wedding night on an airplane? You know, aren’t we supposed to have a bit of fun?” 

Phil raises an eyebrow, glancing over at Dan. “Oh, Daniel…” He smirks. “Haven’t you ever heard of the mile high club?” 

Half an hour later, Dan staggers out of the tiny plane restroom. He edges his sore backside into the seat, Phil emerging behind him and cheerfully plopping down in his seat. “Enjoying yourself?” 

“Yes, quite a bit. You?” 

“If you count the pain as enjoyable.” Phil glares at Dan. “Shut it.” The boy turns red and rolls over once again, this time for good. Phil reaches over and wraps his arms around his waist. 

“I love you, Dan.” 

“I love you too, Phil.” 

“We really should have thought this through,” Dan says, flopping onto the king-sized bed in the hotel room. They arrived in the Bahamas ten hours earlier, forgetting the change in time zones. Instead of spending the morning at the beach before check-in, they arrived at midnight, left to lie asleep on the floor of the airport. 

“At least we’re here.” Phil smiles, optimistic. “Let the vacation begin!” Energetic from the extra hours of sleep, they change into their swim trunks and step outside. They immediately see the resort pool, with a built in bar. The two turn to look at each other, conveying the same message without words. They rush to the pool, jumping in and dunking their heads under the cold water. Even in February, it’s hot in the Bahamas. 

They swim up to the bar, both getting Bahamian cocktails and taking off to a built in cave, equipped with jets. In the dark cave, they drink until their speech is slurred. “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Phiwwwwwwwwwwwww…” 

“Yeah, Dan?” Phil can see about five of his husband, but each one is just as infatuating as the next. 

“I looooove youuuuu.” He advances on Phil, the scent of alcohol fresh on both of their breaths, their hair matted and tangled from the water. Dan puts his arms around Phil’s neck, pulling them both under the water. Their eyes remain open as the jets create a barrier between them. Dan cuts through the barrier, pressing his lips to Phil’s. The underwater kiss is different than any other they’ve had. It’s secretive, dangerous. Gasping for air, they come up smiling. 

“That was amazing.” 

“Dan, wake up.” The younger man stirs, his hair tousled from sleep, his head aching from the remnants of a hangover. 

“What?” 

“Can we go on a sunrise beach walk?” 

Dan sighs, still unable to say no to Phil. After months, he still hadn’t figured that out. “Let me get dressed.” Phil beams, waiting patiently for Dan to get ready. 

When he steps out of the bathroom, his wrist is immediately grabbed and pulled out of the hotel room. “C’mon! We’ll miss the sunrise!” Dan wrenches his wrist free and follows Phil down the stairs to the beach just beyond the pool. 

Tired, out of breath, and mildly annoyed, Dan’s eyes widen as he reaches the beach. “Wow.” 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” All Dan can do is nod. Phil takes his hand as they walk out onto the beach, the grainy sand rubbing in between their toes. The tide tickles their feet as they walk along the ocean admiring the sun, turning the dark blue sky orange. 

As they reach the end of the resort beach, Dan smiles. “Thanks for waking me up, Phil.” 

“You’re welcome.” Phil leans in and steals a sober kiss. Dan takes his other hand, returning the kiss on the deserted beach. Phil eventually leans back, his eye caught on something in the sand. He picks up a beautifully purple-tinted seashell, handing it to Dan. “For you.” 

Dan slips it into the pocket of his shorts. “Thanks. You’re so sweet.” 

“I try.” The two begin the walk back, but around halfway back to their room, Phil begins to slow down. “Can we…” He stutters, out of breath. “Can we take a break for a moment?” He sits in a nearby beach chair, breathing heavily. 

“Phil, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just need a break.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah… Go look for seashells, I’ll be ready to head back in a minute.” Dan’s skeptical, but he does as Phil wishes. He decides to look for the perfect seashell to give his husband, one somehow more beautiful than the one Phil gave him. 

Finally, after minutes of searching, Dan finds a seashell with a magnificent swirl of pink and purple. He slips it into his pocked with the other one and begins the trek back to give it to Phil. As he approaches, he can see Phil jerking around in the chair, as if he can’t control his own muscles. “Phil?!” Dan takes off running, the world around him dissolving. All that remains for him now is the sprint back to his husband. 

Out of breath, he arrives at the chair, taking Phil’s hands in his. His mouth is dropped wide open, but he seems unable to speak. Tears are welled up in his deep blue and green eyes. Although they can’t speak to each other, Dan can see the suffering in his eyes. His leg jerks forward, kicking Dan’s out from underneath him. He stumbles back, landing in the sand. Scrambling back up to Phil, he holds the man’s limbs down, and the muscle spasms begin to calm. Dan watches in horror as the blue and green eyes close. He can’t help but fear he’ll never again see them open. 

Tears well up in his own eyes as Dan’s common sense kicks in. He releases Phil’s limbs and picks up only his right arm, placing his fingers on his wrist. He has a pulse. He’s alive. Dan picks up his phone from his pocket, only to realize he doesn’t know the emergency number for the Bahamas. His thumbs shaking, he types the words into Safari as quickly as he can. As soon as he finds it, he dials the number, waiting in agony for someone to pick up the phone. “Yes, it’s my husband. We were on the beach when he started spazzing out. I think he’s had a seizure.”


	11. A Question of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Arguments, Hospitals, etc.

Dan paces back and forth on the beach, his head swimming with shark-like thoughts. They’re destructive and terrifying. The ambulance finally arrives at the resort, waking up the rest of the guests. They aren’t happy, but they stay out of the way, simply giving Dan scowls. “Family only in the ambulance, please.” 

Dan glares at the paramedic carrying Phil into the ambulance on a stretcher. “I’m his husband,” he says, asserting himself. 

The man’s face changes, his eyes widening. “Oh.” He hesitates, his face flushing red. He takes a deep breath. “Carry on, then.” 

“I guess gay marriage isn’t quite legal here,” Dan mutters as he climbs into the ambulance, sitting down beside Phil and another paramedic. He pushes Phil’s ebony hair out of his face. “You probably won’t be needing this, will you?” He pulls Phil’s wig off of his head, the paramedic going wide-eyed. 

“Why is he bald?” 

“He has cancer.” 

“And you’re just now mentioning this?” 

“Do you think this is some sort of a cheerful experience for me? I haven’t thought of everything.” The ambulance comes to a stop as the two begin to argue. As they’re in the nation’s capital, there’s a hospital very near by. As they climb out of the ambulance, Dan gapes at the hospital. 

The building appears to be over 100 years old and looks nearly ready to collapse in upon itself. It’s made of shoddy concrete and vines are growing around it. The building is only a single story tall, and it seems barely big enough to hold 100 patients. Dan reads a plaque as they enter the building. It only opened ten years ago. 

The inside of the building is slightly more appealing than the outside, but as they reach a room it’s obvious that the Bahamas’ medical care system is nowhere near as developed as England’s. The room is dirty, and Dan wouldn’t be surprised if Phil catches another disease just from being treated here. Not that it matters now.

The bed he’s placed on isn’t long enough for the 6′ 3″ man to lie down, so he’s placed sitting down. Dan decides against pulling up a chair and sitting beside him, as the chair is practically rotting. Instead he just takes Phil’s hand and doesn’t let go until the doctor arrives. 

He runs a few tests and comes back hours later. At this point, Dan is just thankful Phil’s still alive after how long he’s been asleep. “From what we found, Mr. Lester is in a coma. You were correct in saying he’s had a seizure. The reason for this is that the cancer in his lungs has spread to his brain.” Dan exhaled, tears filling his eyes, anger attacking his heart. “I give him a week to live.” 

“I want a second opinion,” Dan spits out, blind with rage. 

“Excuse me?”

“No offense, sir, but your medical system here sucks. It’s nowhere near as developed as the rest of Western medicine, and I honestly don’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth. I want him flown to the United States and tested there immediately.” He hesitates, thinking of all the money he and Phil saved with this purpose in the backs of their minds. “And I have the money to pay for it.” 

The doctor is taken aback by Dan’s sudden outburst. “I…” He can see the fury and denial in Dan’s eyes as the tears roll down his cheeks. “I’ll get someone on the phone.” 

The man leaves the room, and Dan collapses at Phil’s side. He never lets go of his hand as the tears stream down his face. The water droplets drip onto their hands, running in between the two hands. Dan rests his weary head on their hands and sobs. 

A few hours later, Dan stands beside a helicopter as nurses load Phil’s stretcher onto it. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier,” he apologizes to the doctor. “I was just so angry at the world…” 

“I understand. It’s only natural.” The man smiles weakly. “Good luck.” Dan takes his things and climbs onto the helicopter. The engines begin to whir and they leave the ground. Dan watches as the islands get smaller and they leave the tropical, blue water of the Bahamas to attempt to save Phil’s life. 

It isn’t long before Dan can see land again. Short after the ocean disappears, the helicopter begins to descend and land at a Florida hospital. There, Phil is rushed into their ward for cancer patients. Dan takes in the scent of hand sanitizer and rubber gloves as he runs down the corridors, attempting to remember all the turns and twists they’re taking. Finally, he’s closed out of a room where a team of doctors takes Phil for testing and is sent to a waiting room. 

For an hour, he’s left alone with his own thoughts. Eventually Dan decides to face one of his worst fears of the whole situation: calling the Lester family and telling them what happened. It turns out to be as horrible of an experience as he expected. Phil’s mum answers with her usual joyful tone, but with every second he speak to her he could hear the happiness drain from her voice. She calls the family into the room she’s in and puts Dan on speaker phone. Dan can hear sobs on the other end as he tells the story. Tears collect once again in his already puffy eyes. “I’ll let you know if it’s necessary for you to travel to America. Goodbye, Mrs. Lester.” 

Dan’s about to hang up the phone when he hears a shaky voice. “Dan?”

“Yes?” 

“We’ve been through all of this.” She takes a deep breath, her voice trembling from her heavy sobs. “You might as well call me Mum.” 

The doctor emerges from the testing room with a grim look on his face. For a moment, Dan fears Phil is gone, but then the woman speaks. “The other doctor was correct. The cancer has spread to his brain, and he has about a week to live as he is. If nothing is done, he’ll probably never wake up.” Dan didn’t know if his heart could sink any deeper, but, at this point, it does. “However…” Dan looks up, the tiniest bit of hope returning to his chestnut eyes. “There is a surgery we could perform. It would involve slicing into Phil’s head and attempting to keep the cancer from spreading further. It has many risks, but it may lengthen his life.” 

Dan takes immediate note of the phrase “lengthen his life”. The doctors have obviously given up on saving Phil’s life. At this point, they’re simply trying to buy him a bit of time. But Dan knows better than anyone else how much time matters to him and Phil. Maybe buying him time is all they’d been doing for the last few months anyway. Deep down, Dan may have known Phil wouldn’t live out a long life with him. But it didn’t matter to Dan. All he wanted was for Phil to be happy with whatever time he had left. That’s what the decision now comes down to. “Try it.” 

Phil’s surgery takes hours. Dan eats dinner in the hospital cafeteria and watches as the waiting room empties. He watches as the clock strikes midnight and he enters the next day of his life. Days mean more to Dan now. Every midnight is another day Phil’s survived. As the clock chimes, a doctor enters the room. “The surgery was as successful as it could possibly be. He should be waking up soon. I had a feeling you’d want to be with him when he does.” The formerly drowsy Dan leaps off his chair and follows the doctor to Phil’s room. Dan takes a seat beside Phil, grasping his hand. 

“Dan?” Phil’s eyes are closed as he mutters the word. 

“I’m here.” 

“Dan!” Phil opens his eyes, and Dan nearly tears up at the fact that he’s able to see those beautiful green and blue eyes again. “My head hurts.” 

“Well, they did cut it open.” Dan smiles weakly as Phil’s dazzling eyes widen. 

“What? Dan, what happened? Where are we?” 

He took a deep breath, knowing he would have to be the one to explain to Phil that he’s dying. “You had a seizure in the Bahamas. You were taken here, to Florida. The cancer’s spread, Phil.” The eyes Dan can’t take his own off of turn glossy, filling with tears. 

“We knew this day would come.” He smiles the weariest smile Dan’s ever seen on his face. “How long?” 

“It was a week, but then they performed the surgery. Now… I don’t know.” 

“It’s as long as your body lets it be.” The same doctor who proposed the surgery walks into the room. “The surgery did its job of fighting off the cancer from your brain. How long it’ll be before it makes its way back in… is unknown.”

“Thank you.” Dan smiles. “Can we have a bit of privacy, please?” The doctor clears her throat and turns to leave. 

“So, they basically cut my head open to buy me some time?” Dan nods. “And that time… It could be a day or it could be a year?” Dan nods yet again, the weak smile being the day’s theme for both of them. Phil sighs. “It’s worth it. Because now I get to spend more time with you.” He squeezes Dan’s hand. “That is, once my head stops hurting.” 

“I love you, you spork.”

“I love you too.” Dan’s lips connect with Phil’s. The kiss fills them both with a bit of life neither of them had before. However, there’s also a sense of sadness behind it. Neither of them know how many kisses will remain between them. It’s a terrifying thought, but it’s also the reason they’re kissing now. Time is of incredible importance. It’s something they’ve both always believed. But since they met, time fell second to the importance of each other. Because even as time runs out, they race the clock together.


	12. Falling Like Snowflakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: It's the chapter...

“Are you okay?” Dan looks over at Phil, concerned. They’ve been on the flight for eleven and a half hours, and Phil’s starting to look a bit out of it. He’s not in good shape, but he insisted on going home, so they booked a flight back to London. Flying across the Atlantic Ocean is never a short trip, and Phil seems to want off. Now. 

“I-” he stammered. “I’m fine.” 

“Passengers, please put away your tables and return your seat back to its upright position. We’ll be starting our descent in a few minutes.” Phil lets out a deep breath as the voice over the loudspeaker cuts off. 

“We’ll be off soon.” Dan takes Phil’s hand and squeezes it tightly. “Just try to relax.” 

Dan awakens the next morning, his hair tousled. He probably hasn’t had a better night’s sleep in years. After arriving home late at night, he and Phil had collapsed on the bed and slept straight through the night. Dan stands up, stretching his arms, and heads downstairs to find Phil. He’s sitting on the couch, a pile of books on the floor beside him. “What are those?”

Phil turns to Dan, grief evident on his face. “Oh, they’re my old photo albums. I thought you might like to see them.” Dan plops down beside Phil, rattling the album stack. Phil opens the first book. “Here’s me as a newborn.”

“I’m surprised it’s not in black and white.” Dan grins. 

“Shut up!” Phil softly hits him in the arm, the two giggling like schoolgirls. 

As Phil flips the page, Dan stops him. “Wait, wait, wait. Stop everything. You were a ginger?” Dan points at the picture of Phil as a toddler.

Phil chuckles. “Did I never tell you about that?” Dan shakes his head. “I had red hair until I started chemo. When I got my wig, I decided to go black.”

“I’m not going to make the joke. I’m not going to make the joke.” Dan repeats the phrase to himself. 

“What joke?” 

“Once you go black, you never go back.” 

“You idiot.”

The two spend the morning flipping through Phil’s life. Dan watches as the ginger boy grows up before his eyes. Finally, they reach his high school graduation. Dan can’t take his eyes off the picture of Phil holding his diploma, beaming. Dan doesn’t just see Phil in the picture; he sees hope. He sees a man who has a long life ahead of him. He sees a future full of success and happiness. Dan turns his glance to the present-day Phil sitting beside him. His head is bald and there are bags under his eyes. He’s tired; he doesn’t have much left in him. But his eyes are unchanged. The tri-colored eyes still hold hope.

Reaching the end of the last photo album, Phil turns to Dan. “It’s like my life just flashed before my eyes.”

Dan smiles wearily. “Was it worth watching?”

Phil’s expression changes. Dan can’t tell how it changed, but something clicked in his head. He can tell. Phil takes a deep breath before answering. “It was.” 

“Ooh, Cartoon Network is showing Attack on Titan.” Phil looks down at the boy lying on his shoulder. Dan nods, and Phil presses the button. The theme song begins to play as the two lie in the dark a week after their photo album tour. Suddenly, the show is interrupted by an emergency alert. The two sit up, puzzled looks on their faces. Over the annoyingly loud beeping, a voice speaks. “There is a winter weather warning in effect for the greater London area. Expect up to thirty centimeters of snow.” 

Phil gasps. “Snow! I love snow.” In the dim glow of the television, Dan looks into his husband’s eyes to see childlike glee. It’s a look he hasn’t seen in what seems like ages. Dan watches as the man jumps off the couch and walks to the windows. “Dan, look!” He stands up and makes his way to the windows, looking outside. The street lamps illuminate the night sky as tiny snowflakes fall. The grass has a tint of white, and Dan can tell the snow is accumulating quickly. 

An idea hits Dan. He creeps over to the grand piano that usually sits in the corner of the room accumulating dust and plays a chord. One chord turns into two and two turn into a song. Dan plays the intro to “Let it Snow”. Phil’s head turns and he walks up behind Dan, wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s neck. 

“Oh, the weather outside is frightful,” the two sing together. Neither of their voices is exactly beautiful, and Dan’s making constant mistakes on the piano, but it doesn’t matter to them. “But the fire is so delightful. And since there’s no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.” 

Dan awakens the next morning to a wide smile a few centimeters from his face. “Look outside!” He rubs his eyes, standing up and gazing outside. Snow is still falling on the already huge blanket of white. 

“Oh my gosh! That’s more snow than we’ve had in years!” 

“I’ve got snow gear and sleds…” Phil’s smirking at Dan, who tilts his head at him. 

“You’re not actually suggesting we go and play in the snow like little kids.” 

Phil’s already digging around in his closet. Mittens and bibs are thrown back at him. “You bet I am.” 

“I feel attacked.” 

“You are attacked!” Phil’s voice roars as a snowball whizzes into Dan’s chest. The chestnut-haired boy staggers back, falling into the snow. When he sits up, his hair is covered in white. Phil begins to chuckle but is cut off by a snowball slamming into his cheek. “Hey! Headshot!” The two viciously yet lovingly attack each other with balls of snow and ice until Phil finally waves a flag of surrender and Dan crawls over to where he’s lying on the ground. “That took a lot out of me.” He glances over at Dan, helplessness in his eyes. 

“Do you want to make snow angels?” 

The hopeless eyes crinkle up in a smile. “But Dan, you already are an angel.” Nevertheless, the two fall on the ground like snowflakes, side by side, and wave their arms and legs around in the snow. When they’re satisfied with their work, they reach out and take each other’s mittened hands. There they lie for about fifteen minutes until Dan gets cold. 

“Phil, let’s go inside.” Dan separates his hand from Phil’s and stands up. Phil doesn’t get up. “Phil?” He looks down at Phil to see a pale face and peacefully closed eyes. He shakes the man but gets no response. Dan doesn’t have his phone on him, so he attempts to pick Phil up. Dan’s not the strongest, so he struggles to get his husband off the ground. Eventually, with a rush of adrenaline and a surge of strength, he cradles Phil and takes off running for their apartment. 

Dan sets Phil down on the couch, throws his mittens off, and picks up his phone, dialing 999. “Hello, my husband and I were lying out in the snow and he didn’t get up. I carried him back to our apartment.” He gives the operator their address. “He has cancer that’s spread to his brain.” An ambulance is dispatched as Dan hangs up the phone. He tries to think back to the last time Phil had an episode. Everything seems different, yet the same. Dan remembers checking his pulse. He picks up Phil’s flailing wrist and discovers one fatal difference. 

This time, there’s no pulse.


	13. Worth Watching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: I think you know what to expect at this point

The ambulance ride is all too familiar for Dan. This time he’s left to replay the events of a few minutes earlier over and over in his head. He can’t stop watching as the paramedics work frantically to restart Phil’s heart. His body jerks around on the floor until they finally bring him back to life. The scene plays over and over in Dan’s head, thoroughly traumatizing him. He turns to the man beside him in the ambulance, thankful that he’s even alive. But at this point, even Dan knows that probably won’t last for much more than a day.

Dan has to call Phil’s family again. There are sobs on both ends that continue after the phone is hung up. They arrive within a few hours, but it’s not until the next day that Dan finally realizes all hope is lost. The family is given their own private waiting room, and it’s obvious that those are reserved for grieving families that need their space. Dan sees only the tiniest glimmer of hope in Phil’s mom’s eye, but nowhere else. Not even in his own.

“Mr. Lester-” A doctor enters the room.

“Yes?” Dan, Phil’s dad, and Phil’s brother say in unison.

“No, you.” The doctor points at Dan. “There’s an experimental procedure. We don’t know if it will work, but we can try our best. But we’ll need your consent.” Dan looks around the room. He can sense it. Hope lives in each and every one of them. 

“Try it.” 

Dan walks beside the doctor. The procedure is complete, but the man hasn’t said a word about it. He leads Dan to Phil’s room. The moment Dan enters, he breaks down. All he had to do was look at Phil’s pale, lifeless body. There’s a steady heartbeat on the monitor, but something tells Dan it’s not really Phil’s. “The procedure didn’t work, Mr. Lester. There’s nothing more we can do.” Dan takes a seat in the corner of the room as all color and happiness is lost from his being and his world. Even if only for a few months, Phil was his everything. Was. The past tense ached. Tears stream down his face. Dan’s lost all control of emotion. He’s empty. Empty and alone. “We need your permission to take him off life support.”

Through his sobs, all Dan can do is nod.

He and the doctor open the door to the family’s waiting room. Dan looks Phil’s mom in the eye for a split second, and she breaks down. All it took was one glance at Dan’s appearance: his puffy eyes, his lack of hope… It’s obvious.

The family goes together to say goodbye. The four of them stand around Phil’s bed as they pull the plug. Nurses pull a sheet over his head. It’s over.

The whole family stays at Dan’s house for a while. Dan’s thankful for the support as they work together to plan the funeral and deal with the legal side of things. First comes the funeral. It’s very nice, as they saved up a lot of money for it, but Dan doesn’t really notice. He blankly says a few words and listens to “sorry"s. Dan nears his breaking point after about the 25th "sorry”. His husband, his best friend, his everything is gone. He gets it. Everyone feels bad. That doesn’t make him feel better. All it does is remind him.

Sometimes Dan wishes he can forget. He wishes he can forget Phil. He wishes he can forget Phil loved him, almost as much as he wishes he can forget he loves Phil. But then again, the last thing he’d ever want to do is forget.

One of the best words to describe Dan at the moment is conflicted. It’s on the list alongside empty, numb, alone, sad, and angry. He’s a bottle full of emotions, yet he’s completely empty. Dan doesn’t know how to feel as he sits in front of the lawyer reading Phil’s will. It doesn’t matter that much anyway. Their house, along with most everything in it, would go to Dan. He knows this. So why does he have to sit through yet another conversation of “sorry” and reminders?

“One last thing,” the lawyer says. “The will requests that I give this to you personally.” Dan looks up for the first time during the whole meeting. The man is holding out Phil’s journal. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” 

“All it says is I’m supposed to give it to you.” Disgruntled, Dan gathers his things and heads to his car. He tosses the journal in the passenger seat, not bothering to look at it again until he reaches his house and throws his belongings on the bed. He picks up the journal, opening it to the first page.

“Hey, Dan. If you’re reading this, I guess that means I’m not around anymore. Know I already miss you. A lot. Stay strong Dan. <3.” Dan rolls his eyes. “How cheesy.” He continues reading. “Well, here it is. My everything. This little black book holds all of my thoughts. My entire life is in here. So I’ve left it to you. Have fun.” That’s all that’s written. Dan turns the page to see an entry dated January 30th, 1997. Phil got the journal for his tenth birthday. Dan has a lot of reading to do. 

Dan begins reading the passage, planning to read only for a few minutes. Minutes turn to hours, hours to days, and days to weeks. Dan reads through Phil’s entire life. It’s really the first thing of Phil’s that he’s ever read. He quickly finds that even from a young age, Phil was a spectacular writer. He watches as Phil struggles with school, girlfriends, and eventually boyfriends. Phil goes off to college and gets his degree in English Language. Dan furrows his brow as Phil expresses confusion as to what comes next. “Be a writer.” Dan says. It’s odd reading Phil’s journal. It’s like a story that someone spoiled the ending to.

Then Phil’s diagnosed with cancer. Dan checks the date. It was a few years back. Phil decides to follow his dreams and start writing. He watches, his heart breaking as Phil struggles to come up with a storyline and considers ending his own life before he becomes too weak to enjoy it. But then something changes. Things begin to look up for Phil when he starts writing about Dan. Reading his own description in Phil’s journal gives Dan a rush of happy and sad tears. They cared so much about each other. But now, Dan’s all alone. He shuts the book on the last page, throwing it across the room and leaving it there.

Dan’s cleaning his room a few days later when he comes across the book. It’s fallen open to a page with a few words scribbled on it.

password - danieljameshowell

documents>imbadattitles

Dan furrows his brow, only able to think of one solution. He takes the book to Phil’s computer, typing in his name as the password. Instantly, he’s in. He opens the file explorer and searches documents for what Phil described. The Microsoft Word document is there waiting for him. Dan takes a deep breath and clicks.

In front of him is Phil’s book. He begins to read the story of a young man named Matt, who’s diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after, he meets another man, Allen, and falls in love. He struggles to tell Allen the truth, but finally all works out and they fall more in love than he could have ever imagined. Dan stops reading. He doesn’t need to continue; the story is simply Phil telling their own. Curious, Dan flips to the last page and reads the final sentence.

As my subpar life comes to an end, I only have one thing left to say. Thanks, Allen, for making it worth watching.

Tears come to Dan’s eyes as he realizes what he has to do. He searches the internet, struggling to see through his glossy eyes. Finally, he finds what he’s looking for. He copies and pastes Phil’s work in the box. There’s a big, red button in the top right corner of his screen. Taking a deep breath, Dan hits “Submit to Publishers”.


	14. Epilogue

Months pass without Phil. Dan’s pain dulls, but still remains. He doesn’t know if it will ever disappear. He fears the day it does. After months of thought, Dan’s decided he doesn’t want to forget. He wants to hold on to every memory. Happy or sad, a memory with Phil is worth keeping. If he stops feeling pain, that means he can forget. He can forget about the memories, and even Phil himself. Dan doesn’t think he can handle that. 

One day, a letter comes in the mail. Dan reads the return address, his eyes going wide. He tears open the letter, scanning it for one important sentence. “Your book has been accepted for publishing.” Tears roll down his face. Phil’s eldest wish is finally coming true. 

A few months later, Dan stands in Barnes and Noble, watching as Phil’s book flies off the shelf. Each time a customer picks up a book, it adds twenty dollars to his bank account. But Dan doesn’t need the money. He has a perfectly good life. What to do? 

Ten years have passed since Phil died. The initial pain is almost dead, but Dan still thinks of Phil every day. He vividly remembers his smile and his oh so beautiful eyes. The colors that swirl through them still shine in Dan’s mind like he saw them yesterday. 

Phil’s book became a bestseller. It’s a classic now; thousands of people still buy it every day. Dan’s made millions of dollars, yet he never keeps a penny. He goes to his job at the coffee shop and works his way through life to pay his bills, just like nothing ever happened. The only real change is that he’s become a well known philanthropist for cancer research. Every single cent the book ever made goes to charities trying to find a cure for cancer. And it seems they’re closer than ever.

Dan only wishes it could be sooner. If only it was soon enough for Phil, for so many other people who left loved ones behind. But it puts him at peace to know he’s helping to save those of the future. People will no longer have to leave their loved ones behind. Loved ones won’t be left. There won’t be any more Dans. No more lonely husbands and wives, no more abandoned children, no more heartbroken parents. And that’s what keeps Dan going every day. 

He does keep going. Sometimes he doesn’t want to, but he does. He gets up every morning and goes to work, comes home and makes himself dinner, and then lies down and goes to sleep, only to do it again the next day. He doesn’t socialize much, fearing he’ll find someone that’ll replace Phil in his head. He can’t bear the thought of it. He’s tired, depressed, and alone, but he keeps going. Phil would have wanted it that way. And all Dan wants at this point is to make Phil happy. Maybe that way, he’ll be happy someday too.


End file.
